not your normal blog post

Hi my sweet friends. I hope you’re having an amazing first month of 2019. This post was not in my content calendar, and if I am honest, I didn’t know I would be writing this at all. We see so many post on social media about anxiety and depression, and don’t get me wrong, I think those women and men that discuss that are STRONG people. But some people are not strong enough to open up about their internal battles. Some people are not ready to share their story. I have been one of those people. I never wanted to talk about what caused my anxiety issues, but I think I am ready. I have been reading Katy with MumuandMacaroons blogs for a while and watching her stories. She has given me the strength to talk about ME. If this helps just one person, then all of this will be so worth it to me.

I feel like I could break this down into multiple blog post, but for the sake of my sanity, and emotional status, I am going to cram it all into one. I do apologize for how long this post actually is, but someone may need to hear this.However, this is not for the faint of heart.

I guess where I want to start off is middle school. That’s where I had the first feelings of anxiety. I had a “friend” tell me one day that, since we were friends she could tell me that, “I just wasn’t pretty and that boys would never like me.” (On what world is this ever okay?!) So I shut down. I focused on basketball, and fell completely in love with the sport and my team. Fast forward to the next year. Someone told one of my teachers that I was “anorexic and was cutting” myself. Many years later (and tons of dr bills) we figured out the reason I have been skinny my entire life, and we had a cat that was EVIL at the time, which is where the scratches came from. So there was the answer to those questions, but that didn’t change the scars from all the rumors that were started. (We are speeding through these times just because this is still hard to talk about). Have you seen in the movies where the girl sits in the bathroom stall and cries? Yea, I did that. Don’t get me wrong, I had some good friends, but girls are mean.

Taking the leap into high school was hard. The community that I grew up in was very small. Our high school consisted of 3 town’s worth of kids. So I felt like I was getting a semi fresh start. Maybe the rumors wouldn’t follow me. If I am truthful, those rumors seemed to go away. Yet, more started. Freshman year of high school was my favorite year. I made the basketball team, made new friends, and had such a bright outlook. So freshman year was pretty good. Sophomore year came around, and I didn’t make it back on the basketball team. I said I fell in love with it, not that I was very good. That was my first devastation. Throughout that year I met new people, and made some new friends. I even got asked to prom (a couple times). One girl in particular didn’t like that because a guy she was crushing on (do the kids still say that?) asked me. So that led to her starting some very nasty rumors about me. I ended up not going to prom, but she still continued to spread lies about me. Junior year the same rumors kept swirling, and lead all the way into senior year. Needless to say I was SO ready to graduate. By my senior year I absolutely couldn’t believe what was being said. “Whore, Slut, Fraud” You name it, I was probably called it. Again, I had some really good friends, but all this came from just a couple people. High School can viscous. If you are in middle school, high school, college, where ever you are, and reading this… Just know that it will all be okay. When I walked across that stage, I told myself I was never looking back.

God sure knows what he is doing. In March, Tyler and I will celebrate our two year wedding anniversary. I am so beyond thankful for my husband, but he wasn’t always in the picture. Some people are lucky enough to find their soulmates in school. Tyler and I met later in our lifetime. Tyler knows better than anyone about my anxiety issues, and he is truly a Godsend. More times than not, I have taken my insecurities out on him, and it has gotten so much better with his help. You see, before him I had guys who cheated on me, guys who lied to me, and even had one tell me “no one else would ever love me. I couldn’t do any better”. I am SO blessed that I have never been physically abused, but mentally and emotionally? I was scarred. I was so sure I would never find someone to love me. How could I go through so much heartache, and still truly find someone to love me? I had been engaged twice, and called off both of those weddings. Why did I keep going through this heartache? So I stopped looking, and that’s the beauty of it. When I stopped looking, and worrying about it, I met my future husband. Do you know how many pity parties I threw myself? Too many to count. Now I get to throw anniversary parties.

All of these small incidents, can add up. Some of you reading this may think I haven’t gotten the slightest clue about anxiety and depression. But here is my answer for you, and the main reason for this post. People are affected differently by situations. You never know what someone is battling on the inside. Be kind to others. What you might think is trivial, may be heartbreaking for the girl sitting right beside of you. If you are reading this and think you are all alone, that you will not get passed the situation you have found yourself in… I promise you can. I promise I am here for you. Message me. Call me. All of these situations I found myself in? They have made me who I am today. They have made me stronger, and made me love harder. There is always a rainbow after a storm. You WILL come out stronger as long as you don’t let this situation defeat you. You can do anything you set your mind to.

I know this is so much deeper than my normal content, but I really felt compelled to share this with you. I say again, if you need someone to talk to, send me a message. I am here for you. I, too, still struggle sometimes. More times than I would like to admit. However, we can get through anything, together.

XO,
T